|any random man & any random woman |
by Max Deos
I take her up to my room. She lets me walk in first and follows close behind. I guess she trusts me. I dutifully stand in the corner and let her take in her new surroundings. She sits on the bed and stares at me. She doesn't want it to be this forward but feels at a loss. We're taught to be constantly on the move. Constantly forcing ourselves to control the situations.
I don't want it to be forward either, so I open the window shades and stare out. This room is on the third floor. She crawls across the bed and lies down. She hopes I don't think she's a slut. That I don't think her too forward or grotesque. She misses the point of my gesture and doesn't appreciate my control. She is still self-conscious around me. I guess that means she likes me. I try not to miss the subtleties of people's actions.
"So you just move from hotel to hotel." She asks me. I doubt she cares but she wants to hear my voice to gage my emotions. She hates that she cannot tell how I feel by my eyes.
"Yes" I say furthering my enigma. She only thinks bad thoughts though never positive ones. To her this is a form of rejection. "Don't you miss having a home?" She asks me.
"I have a home. Come here." I turn and hold out my hand. She takes it and I lead her to my window so she can see what I see. I place my hands on her hips so she won't fear falling. She looks.
"This is my home. This city, this skyline. The room is just my vantage point for the moment and tomorrow, I'll get another." She takes it in. I step in between her body and the windowsill and she doesn't step back. She likes the closeness.
"It's like your hand." I tell her holding her arm by the wrist.Ê "You see it from all sides, you can recognize it from any angle." I run my fingers along the back of her hand, from her wrist to her palm. I can feel her pulse beating. It beats fast and free and her eyes shoot back and forth to keep up. She is in complete anticipation.
I know now is the time to make the choice. To sleep with her or not to. The decision can only be made this once and not taken back. I know if we sleep together it could get bad. I don't want to be on display and she doesn't want to be invaded.
Neither one of us really wants that forced emotion, the forced closeness that sex brings. She doesn't know if I'd be gentle or rough. I don't know if she'll like me. Our minds each go to our bodies flaws, or missed perfection. I can see her eyes darting down to the small tummy she has developed. I feel her hand become clammy.
She wants me to like her flaws in all. She wants to be liked by me. I don't know if she consciously thinks sex will bring it but it's definitely in the back of her mind.
Everybody knows we must make compromises, sacrifices if you will. That to get something we have to give up something else. Yes, everybody knows this but does that make it true? When did it become impossible for two people to each share all of themselves completely without leaving anything behind or hiding a part of them self?
But that's the risk. No one can give himself. Something erupts in one's defense system and they begin to partition off their own attributes. I'll give him this but not show him that. I'll let her touch this but I'll refuse to feel it. So it ends up two lifeless bodies rolling over one another. The act becomes cumbersome and graceless. Even further compromises are struck and by the end of it both are glad it is over so they can take stock on what's still theirs.
She doesn't consider any of this. She only feels a slight confusion and perhaps a bit of anxiety. I have considered this though but will it affect my decision, no. I know that she likes me and won't understand if I let her go. She is currently incapable of taking that compliment the way it was intended. Only self defeat and humiliation can occur.
She's already convinced herself that she wants me, she does this so that when she inevitably gives it up to me, that she can say it was her choice and that I didn't take it.
So I move forward.
"You know every curve of your hand, every fingertip." I slip my fingers between hers and she loves the implied intimacy. She grasps my hand and we are now locked. Her head tilts back letting me know she wants to be kissed and her lips pucker ever so glossed and slightly agape.
I kiss her and she is freed from her fears. She now believes I want her completely. She kisses me back and puts her hands around me holding my body to hers.
I feel her graze her hip against mine and she likes what she feels. She begins to rub and almost grind herself against the bulge in my pants as her soft chest pushes into me.
The moment cannot be broken. I cannot risk destroying the scene with words. We must not break from our characters. I am a man who wants her and she is a woman who wants me. No talking and no decisions so I lift her under her buttocks and carry her to the bed. She smiles down at my eyes thinking she has figured them out.
I lie her down and in seconds I am at her side continuing with the kiss. The longer I kiss her the longer she has to remain silent. If she speaks my concentration will be broken and I'll be thrust back into the thoughts of how much I really hate this sort of thing.
She tries to unbutton my shirt and I know her shaking fingers will fumble. She'll be embarrassed and laugh or break character. We can't have that so I slide out of my shirt with a deft movement and kneel above her with my exposed chest. She kisses my body and likes the way I taste. I use this time to lift her shirt up and off. She goes to unsnap her bra and I kiss her lips distracting her from concentration. With my free hands I unsnap the bra from behind and hold her to me tightly.
She smiles when I pull up and take her bra with me. She is loving this. To her it is magic. To her it is what the great romancers have written of. To me it is an art, an abstract. I just want to keep from hating it all. She goes for my pants and I let her. She'll have no problem with that. She licks my neck and kisses it while her hands search for their way around my zipper. She gets it and tries to pull them down. Her arms are only long enough to budge them. I can roll over and take them off leg by leg allowing her time to take off her dress or open her mouth or do one of a million things that'll remind me that I barely know her and probably wouldn't like her if I did.
Do not force me to care.
So I go for broke, like I tend to do, all or nothing. I swing my leg up quickly enough to pass it through the pants without snagging as I tug them down. One leg is free and the other leg follows short suit. It was graceful and it was beautiful and what's more it did not break the mood. She doesn't know this but I'd removed my socks and shoes earlier while kissing. While her mind was completely intent on the romance and the passion I was calculating how to untie and kick off my shoes with only my toes.
It is my burden to keep the mood and hers to go along for the ride. I kiss her neck now. I lean over her and kiss her chest and her breasts. She is smiling. I grab her skirt and feel it's elasticity around the waist. I take it down along with her underwear and pull them off her feet. Now we are both naked and we are both flawed and we are both vulnerable. I have to keep her from feeling it.
I have had it in my pocket since the pants came down. She never asked about it and she probably wouldn't but I we both know it's a good idea. I take the wrapper and use my thumbnail to slide it open freeing the condom. She smiles and is secretly relieved. I slip it on and we are safe. Not from disease, not from death but we are safe. We are safe from the afterthoughts, the fear. We are safe from worries and timing. I can do anything now. I can enter her body and still never touch her. I can now enjoy her and not give up myself. All of this is in theory but then again so is the entire night. It's just a fictionalization of two lovers enacting an impassioned dance of love. It could happen in theory, but in reality it's two lonely people doing what they can to ease the hollow feeling for just a little while.
She spreads her legs slowly smiling at me. I rub her along the inner side of her left thigh. I move myself between her legs and kiss her tasting her tongue. She begins to move around under me. Her passions have taken hold and she is luckily without the hindrance of conscious thought. I slide into her and she gasps biting her bottom lip. She looks at me hoping not to see the truth in my eyes. She can never tell anything by my eyes but now she is content with that.
We move together and smooth. She closes her eyes freeing me from my obligation. Now I can be anyone. Now I can do anything and it doesn't have to be me doing it. I accept the moment and I allow myself to try and enjoy it. I don't feel the condom there and I know she doesn't. It's an invisible security blanket.
I hear her moaning and gasping and I feign enthusiasm. I speed the tempo and she increases the noise. It is a veritable equation now. Thrust times speed equals volume. It is okay though because her eyes are closed and it's no longer me. I can't be a monster if I can't be seen. She is loving the feelings and has forgotten I am even there. We're just concepts to each other now. We are vague sketches used only for inspiration.
We move, I move really but her body follows me. She is squeezing me with her legs and it is fast like the tempo. The tempo I've set to her very heartbeat. Every three beats we move. Fast beats sending heated blood through her veins. Blood that forces her face to flush and her nipples to harden. Blood that makes her skin hot so that it becomes clammy and soft. Her lips are now slightly bigger than they were before I kissed them. Her body is less rigid and more relaxed. I envy her. Every breath she is made more aware of her pleasure and each of her senses only detects an invisible joy.
From her toes to her head she's becoming a throbbing wave of heaven. My only joy comes from the one part of me that rests inside of heaven. She doesn't know how lucky she is.Ê I can feel myself beginning to go.Ê Ê
For a few seconds I will have my reward too. Maybe two seconds at most. I unconsciously warn her with a gasp and she squeezes me with her arms and legs about me and thrusts herself to meet me once more time before it happens.
Two seconds, for two seconds the clouds part, for two seconds I am not even there anymore. I am God and the world is my kingdom. I have no body I am pure energy and it is a good energy. For two seconds I have no pain and what's more I've never had pain and never will. I don't know what pain is, or sorrow or loss. I've never been hurt or destroyed. I have never been born but at the same time I am immortal. For two seconds.
And then I am done and I exhale having forgotten to breathe. My body follows short suit and is twitching beyond my control. I look down and she is smiling at me. I no longer care about the mood. Her smile tells me that we both survived it. That it was good and I kept her happy. That she doesn't feel she has wasted herself on me. She thinks that we were one. We weren't one. We were complete though. Each complete within ourselves with the other just an abstract concept. That is what I wanted and that is what I loved about it.
I kiss her and stroke her face. She now loves me, if only for a moment.
Copyright 2001 by Max Deos